Monday, 14 September 2015

The Last One

I have re-written this post about six times now, and haven't been able to get it right. Some versions were too sad, some were too introspective, and some just didn't have any unifying theme haha. So now, almost four months after I've been home, I've decided this has to be it - this has to be the right one, because I've already stretched it out too long. In fact, I wouldn't doubt if I'm the only one who reads this, but nevertheless, I'll post it anyways :P

Since being back from Ireland, there's been a couple different phases. It was nice at first to be back, to see everyone again, and to not have to pay for laundry. But that was pretty short-lived. I realized that after five months of amazing adventures, I had no inkling or plans of what I was going to do with my summer (or my entire life, really), and so my days fell into this horrible mental berating of myself. I was all alone in this big house for hours for days on end, and I was driving myself crazy - spinning my thoughts in circles, and basically just feeling quite sad and out of place. I had made the decision to go to Ireland at a point in time when I didn't like my life that much, and I was terrified that I was going to fall back into that place.

Then I started to work two jobs and consequently didn't have time to breathe, let alone overthink.

And now, I've been back in school for a week, and things have sort of fell into a routine again.

Ireland still invades my thoughts a couple times a day (okay, like every second minute), and it's tough not to compare my life here to my life there. Sometimes it feels like a dream - Ireland was so different and it brought out a laid-back, unhurried side of me that doesn't occur so much over here. While I was over there, I felt so full of life and excitement - I was genuinely at peace with where my life was, and here, I feel like such a chaotic mess, completely drained half the time.

I've been told that chaos and heavy stress are just a part of life, which I sort of accept - but I refuse to believe that's it's inevitable that real life is just this draining process where we pay bills, go to a job that doesn't actually fulfill us, and live a life that we force ourselves to be content with. I refuse. And maybe that'll make my life arduous and inconsistent, but I fear a life of melancholic restlessness much more then a life of uncertainty.

And so, I'm consequently still left in a flurry of a busy life, just going one day at a time, trying to figure out the world and where I fit into it.... maybe that's a life long quest haha.

I am so happy, and so, so grateful that I had this opportunity. I don't think I'll ever be able to express in words what that semester meant to me. Thank you to everyone who cheered me on, everyone who read one, two, or all of my posts, and to my parents - thank you for the weekend skype calls, the frantic emails at 4am, and for so gracefully walking the line of supporting me, and letting me do it on my own.

And to all you other international foreigners I met in the land of luck, know that even though I only knew you all for five months, you became some of the best people I've ever gotten to know - you hold some of the biggest hearts, an uncanny love for adventure, and somehow, the entire time when I was right along with you - you all inspire me to do whatever it takes to love life.

Annnnd with that, it's over! I mean, technically it was over 3.5 months ago, but now it's official hehehe. I think I'll go "borrow" a guinness from my dad's stash to commemorate ;)

Until the next adventure.....

"Is fada an bóthar nach mbíonn casadh ann ~

~ It's a long road that has no turning. ~

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